MONDAY 18 DECEMBER 2006 – DISORIENTATION SITUATION

Well, the Christmas shopping list has arrived by e-mail from Turbolister in mainland Europe and I am attacking it with gusto. The main problem, however, is I have no idea where some of this stuff is in the store and therefore I am suffering from severe disorientation. For example, I cannot for the life of me find panacota, pannaccotta, pan .. little bits of bacon so I ask a most helpful assistant who troops around the store with me and he asks another assistant and all three of us troop around the store and eventually find them … all sold out. Of course, it didn’t help that what I was looking for was actually pancetta! Whatever, despite my intention that all my Christmas shopping will be done in one visit to the table (as they say on the snooker programmes) it looks like I’ll be back again later in the week. I have to say this takes the pressure off as I’m not sure about some of the items on the list (incorrect purchasing will not be tolerated) and will need to refer to Ms Lister for guidance and clarification. I am, however, proud of being able to track down rubber gloves (don’t ask). Having searched in vain I finally spot an unsavoury item removal operative (cleaner) wearing some rather fetching examples and she points me with her rubber finger (again, don’t ask) in the right direction. On going into to Sainsbury’s this time there is a huge banner over the door offering Bernard Matthews’ turkeys at half price! Now, there’s a tempting offer. Booooootifull, in fact. But, hold on, I thought Matthews stuff was complete crap as all his turkey products are reconstituted from bits of bird smuggled in from Eastern Europe in the middle of the night (I’ve heard this before!). So presumably he has complete kits of parts (bones, breast, skin, glue etc) from which he builds turkeys? And, of course, no-one buys them because they are horrible so out come the banners advertising them at half price. I think I’ll pass if you don’t mind Bernard. I have to ask on the enquiry desk for £1 to pay the ransom to get my trolley released and the enquiree (he who receives enquiries) proudly announces that I am the fourth person that day (it’s around 4pm) who has asked a similar question! Nice that there is someone else who remembers completely useless information like this - a man after my own heart. Sainsbury’s is quite festive today, the carols are in full swing as you go in and the assistants have decorated themselves with tinsel, red fleeces, those funny reindeer ear type things you stick on top of your head etc etc. They have also set up a lectern at a strategic position in view of the checkouts manned by a young lady who is ensuring that everything works like clockwork – and, good for her, it does as the queues are not too bad at all. The good thing about Christmas for me is that most of the checkouts are open so with a bit of luck I can go through one that is normally closed, thereby crossing another number off my list! Anyway, back soon … (as those annoying little stickers on shop doors say, the lying hounds).

Items bought 52
Cost £75.13
Cost per item £1.44 (why so low?)
Checkout number 23 (damn, been through this one before)
Nectar Points balance 930